Another year has passed. Another long lonely year. Countless days full of expectations. Endless weeks of longing. For what? Hoping that you would open that front door and step in. Wishing for that phone to ring for me to hear your voices. Yearning for my lovely, adorable grandchildren to run up to me. But as much as I love to fantasize about that, I know that, that day will never come again. I know that I will never be able to see you again.
Did you know that your father passed away? While you were soaring through your blissful life far, far away from us he left this world. Now I don’t know how long I am going to be here. If it weren’t for my caring neighbors I would have passed away by now.….I don’t remember how many years it has passed since you all left me. There is no way we could ever meet face to face before we depart so I guess this is the only way left to say my last words.
Since the day you were born I was determined to be the best parent any child could ever have. Do you know I stayed up some nights, sometimes for weeks without any sleep? It was just so that you could get a good night’s sleep. Do you know I barely ate a good satisfying meal? Because I always ate the leftovers from you. Do you know how much I longed to lie down during the day? I didn’t because I wanted to be at your service all day!
Ever since you were little I nurtured you in the best ways I could ever do. You were the first priority. You always have been. I had loved you with all my heart. I had put my interests aside and have provided you with all I’ve got. It was my dream to raise you to be the most incredible, well-disciplined human beings. I thought I raised you to be the best. But how wrong was I? I guess I’ve failed.
You all left me at the time I needed you the most. Have you forgotten the way I showered you? The way I got you ready for school? The countless times I walked you to schools, parks and shops? The times I ran to your side when you fell and broke your arm? Have you forgotten the times I cooked your favourite meal? The times when I sat by your bed when you had fever? The moments when I ran to the neighbor to get the medicines?
I took care of you when you had no one to take care of. I looked after my lovely grandchildren when you were too busy having coffee dates with your friends. I did your laundry when you were too preoccupied in tending to something else. I cooked your meals all throughout your life. I cleaned the house while you slept late on weekends. I went shopping for households when you were too exhausted after the day’s “work”. Not once did I complain.
I never say a single word in return when you slash at me. I hold back the urge to sob when you complained at my cooking. I try not to look sad when you say that I smell bad. I never dropped a single tear in front of you. But every night I cry. I cry myself to sleep. I pray for you to find light. I pray for my children to walk in the right path. I wish for the day you will glance at me with love and address me as your mother. I dream about you all, taking care of me the way I did all these years since you were born!
I am sorry. I am truly sorry for whatever I have done wrong. I am so sorry for not being as “cool” as you had expected me to be. I am sorry for being too “old”. I am sorry if I hadn’t done enough. I am so sorry my children.
Maybe someday you will learn. When you grow old, you will realize it all. You will see how devastating it is. How unfair and how depressing it is. Maybe someday….someday…when your children leave you or when they start saying hurtful words to you or when they treat you like you had done to me.
I don’t wish for you to go through what I went through. I will never want your children to abandon you too. I wish, for you to learn your lesson before it’s too late. I want to save you from all that terrible heartache. But when will you? When?
This is something a parent must not say to their children. ‘Cause we never talk about our sacrifices, our struggles and hard work in raising our children. I didn’t want to do it either. But I needed you to know this.
You know very well who
PS. I’m still waiting with open arms….just in case you show up.